Confession, Repentance, Announcement

Dear Mailing List,

For some time now, I've felt increasingly guilty about my behavior. As you're all painfully aware, whenever I find anything "interesting" on the Net, I always spam you with it. I've been clogging your mailboxes with dozens and dozens, and sometimes even hundreds, of bytes of text containing links to uncountable gigabytes of videos and news stories and pornography and whatnot. Never mind that many of you are even less considerate and insist on directly emailing multi-gigabyte videos to all your friends instead of just sending short text messages with dozen-byte links; never mind that, you still must hate me for wasting even a single byte of your precious, finite mailbox space.

I hate bloggers. They're insipid, vapid, delusional little narcissists who believe that their pathetic, self-centered lives are the sine qua non for the continuation of human civilization, that the world desperately needs to know what they had for breakfast this morning. Bloggers! Yuck!

And yet, I hate spammers even more. They're rude, thoughtless intellectual bullies who take advantage of our open society by violently forcing their unsolicited trivialities upon the weak — or, more specifically, those too weak to enable spam filters. Spammers! Yuck!

But, woe is me! For I am a spammer! A chronic, incurable, inconsiderate spammer!

In a stunning moment of crystal-clear lucidity I had an epiphany. I suddenly saw what I must do to make amends. The solution to my agonizing moral conundrum was revealed to me.

Thus, I am now a blogger. And, behold! the millstone of my guilt and shame is gone! I'm a free man! Now I no longer feel the irresistible urge to spam you. Instead, I'm filled with the bliss of knowing that I'm now one with the universe &mdash or, more specifically, that the whole universe collectively holds its breath before each of my fascinating postings, eager to read every fascinating word I type about my fascinating life in my uniquely fascinating literary style.

I have a higher calling now and will no longer spam you. Why should I? The bandwidth to your little finite mailbox is far too constraining for all the fascinating things I'm compelled to say about myself.

Inevitably, you'll frequently find yourself curious about my fascinating life, including my fascinating innermost feelings and also what I had for breakfast this morning. You can now find it all here: zenbum.blogspot.com — but please be considerate of the rest of the universe and don't hog all my bandwidth.

Goodbye, dear mailing list. This is the last spam you'll receive from me. Unless I find some great pornography.